I am a new mom living in a different world than I grew up in. Everything that I ever learned growing up is now null and void. I have to learn what is different…not good, not bad, different. This is why I take heart in Proverbs 22:19. A new mom can easily lose her confidence in being a mom with all the advice that is given to her on what she should do differently, or mostly, what she isn’t doing correctly. I praise the Lord that when times of frustration come and I begin to feel like a failure I can rely on two things: the instruction from the Word of God, and my husband.
I pour over books written by Americans on how to take care of a baby in their first year. All of it seems like wise advise, until I practice those suggestions in front of my friends (and strangers) here in India. What I thought was a wise practice is easily stomped on with a few words of wisdom from the national. Some of the advice they give is very wise and I wonder, “why don’t we do that in the states?” and some of it is quite funny. I also begin to wonder, “where in the world is the book on cross-cultural parenting?” Has anyone ever written on this topic? If there is a book out there, I would like to have it.
Nathan and I love to laugh at some of the suggestions that we get. For example, “don’t hold the baby upright or her cheeks with get fat.” What??? One of our close friends called us “wicked” because we told her that Hannah sleeps in a crib when we are at home. Wicked, really? When Hannah cries, the first thing that people say is, “what is wrong with her?” My first response wants to be harsh, but all I say is “she’s a baby, babies cry.” They either think she is cold, hungry, or sick. Most of the time they think she is freezing because she doesn’t have 5 layers of clothes on (this is not an exaggeration!). Our friends here usually dress their baby in so many layers that they look like the kid on the Christmas Story—arms that are straight out and can’t for the life of them bring down.
Every time advice is given to us on how to parent Hannah I have to stop and let out a slow breath so I don’t blow up and say “thanks for the millionth suggestion this week!” I’m also reminded of a book that Nathan and I read on marriage when we first got married called Sacred Marriage. This book said that every time your spouse makes a comment or suggestion you are to respond by saying, “so what I hear you saying is…” Well, that is what I feel like doing after every suggestion—“so, what I hear you saying is that I can’t parent, or I’m not a good mother.” Quickly I’m reminded of what my brother in law said, “consider the intent and not the content”. They are not telling me that I’m a bad mom, they are just trying to help a new mom out. I should be thankful for this, rather I see how sinful I am in how I want to respond to their help.
With the bad suggestions, also come good ones. Did you know that many Asian babies are potty trained by the age of one? My Naga friends taught me how this is possible. Every time Hannah wakes up from a nap I am supposed to take off her diaper and take her outside (or put her over the toilet) and let her pee. You want to know something crazy? We tried it and it works! Nagas also use their shawl to tie the baby to them, rather than using an expensive Baby Bjourn (or whatever those slings are called). This gives the baby a earful of the mother’s heartbeat.
I love living in the Indian culture, but where we live is quite different than a lot of places in India. We live among many different cultures. There are many different tribal groups, as well as national groups that live around us and work with us, yet maintain their own identity. For example, a week ago my husband and I spent our time training some nationals in church planting. During this training we were among five or more different people groups. While I would heed the advice of the Naga, the Nepali would come along and tell me what I was doing was wrong, I should instead do it (whatever I was doing) another way. I would change to the Nepali way, only to have the Tangse brother tell me I was doing it wrong, I needed to do it a better way. All the while the books that I have been reading all suggest otherwise.
So what to do? When in Rome, do as the Romans do? Or like Paul, “to the Jews I became like a Jew…to the weak I became weak…I have become all things to all people…” This would be wonderful if it weren’t for the frustration that it would cause our daughter Hannah. I’m sure she was wondering throughout the training what in the world I was doing. I would change the way I would hold her to satisfy one person, then change to a different position to satisfy another. But, let me put this all in perspective—Paul was writing in 1 Corinthians 9 about becoming all things to all people SO THAT BY ALL MEANS HE MIGHT SAVE SOME. Granted all the people I was around that week were all saved. BUT, I am still living in their culture and therefore I want to honor their ways, as difficult as it may be sometimes. One thing is certain, the grace Paul called upon to maintain consistent witness among so many different cultures is available to the parent seeking to honor God in care for a child. To this grace we must cling.
To those of you who don’t live in a cross-cultural situation—this is a prayer request e-mail. To those of you who do live in a cross cultural setting like us—we join in prayer for you as you learn how to parent in your setting. I’d love to hear some advice from those of you who are in the same situation!
On Our Knees Before Him,
Kari Shank
I pour over books written by Americans on how to take care of a baby in their first year. All of it seems like wise advise, until I practice those suggestions in front of my friends (and strangers) here in India. What I thought was a wise practice is easily stomped on with a few words of wisdom from the national. Some of the advice they give is very wise and I wonder, “why don’t we do that in the states?” and some of it is quite funny. I also begin to wonder, “where in the world is the book on cross-cultural parenting?” Has anyone ever written on this topic? If there is a book out there, I would like to have it.
Nathan and I love to laugh at some of the suggestions that we get. For example, “don’t hold the baby upright or her cheeks with get fat.” What??? One of our close friends called us “wicked” because we told her that Hannah sleeps in a crib when we are at home. Wicked, really? When Hannah cries, the first thing that people say is, “what is wrong with her?” My first response wants to be harsh, but all I say is “she’s a baby, babies cry.” They either think she is cold, hungry, or sick. Most of the time they think she is freezing because she doesn’t have 5 layers of clothes on (this is not an exaggeration!). Our friends here usually dress their baby in so many layers that they look like the kid on the Christmas Story—arms that are straight out and can’t for the life of them bring down.
Every time advice is given to us on how to parent Hannah I have to stop and let out a slow breath so I don’t blow up and say “thanks for the millionth suggestion this week!” I’m also reminded of a book that Nathan and I read on marriage when we first got married called Sacred Marriage. This book said that every time your spouse makes a comment or suggestion you are to respond by saying, “so what I hear you saying is…” Well, that is what I feel like doing after every suggestion—“so, what I hear you saying is that I can’t parent, or I’m not a good mother.” Quickly I’m reminded of what my brother in law said, “consider the intent and not the content”. They are not telling me that I’m a bad mom, they are just trying to help a new mom out. I should be thankful for this, rather I see how sinful I am in how I want to respond to their help.
With the bad suggestions, also come good ones. Did you know that many Asian babies are potty trained by the age of one? My Naga friends taught me how this is possible. Every time Hannah wakes up from a nap I am supposed to take off her diaper and take her outside (or put her over the toilet) and let her pee. You want to know something crazy? We tried it and it works! Nagas also use their shawl to tie the baby to them, rather than using an expensive Baby Bjourn (or whatever those slings are called). This gives the baby a earful of the mother’s heartbeat.
I love living in the Indian culture, but where we live is quite different than a lot of places in India. We live among many different cultures. There are many different tribal groups, as well as national groups that live around us and work with us, yet maintain their own identity. For example, a week ago my husband and I spent our time training some nationals in church planting. During this training we were among five or more different people groups. While I would heed the advice of the Naga, the Nepali would come along and tell me what I was doing was wrong, I should instead do it (whatever I was doing) another way. I would change to the Nepali way, only to have the Tangse brother tell me I was doing it wrong, I needed to do it a better way. All the while the books that I have been reading all suggest otherwise.
So what to do? When in Rome, do as the Romans do? Or like Paul, “to the Jews I became like a Jew…to the weak I became weak…I have become all things to all people…” This would be wonderful if it weren’t for the frustration that it would cause our daughter Hannah. I’m sure she was wondering throughout the training what in the world I was doing. I would change the way I would hold her to satisfy one person, then change to a different position to satisfy another. But, let me put this all in perspective—Paul was writing in 1 Corinthians 9 about becoming all things to all people SO THAT BY ALL MEANS HE MIGHT SAVE SOME. Granted all the people I was around that week were all saved. BUT, I am still living in their culture and therefore I want to honor their ways, as difficult as it may be sometimes. One thing is certain, the grace Paul called upon to maintain consistent witness among so many different cultures is available to the parent seeking to honor God in care for a child. To this grace we must cling.
To those of you who don’t live in a cross-cultural situation—this is a prayer request e-mail. To those of you who do live in a cross cultural setting like us—we join in prayer for you as you learn how to parent in your setting. I’d love to hear some advice from those of you who are in the same situation!
On Our Knees Before Him,
Kari Shank
3 comments:
What a great blog!! I need to book mark this for all those days I lose the battle of taking the advice graciously. I love that intent/content thing.
haha! I totally feel ya! I've defintiely had some frustrating days lately... a lot of "take your baby out of your sling, you need to keep the baby flat" or "your baby should not be outside"... ect... today we had a woman say "You are so brave to bring your 3 month old out into the open air" - haha!!
My answers to all fo those - "thank you" and I move on - haha! Kind of a "thanks for caring about me enough to give advice - but I"m not taking it"...
What do the locals do when they get advice like that that they don't want to take? I need to figure that out :)
Fun Post :)
Kari - throw the books away. Smile when offered advice and perhaps say, "How interesting." Otherwise - trust yourself. Trust Nathan. No one will ever know your baby like you two do. You are both smart, loving, amazing Godly people. I know it may be easier said than done - but tune the rest out. Advice that comes from wisdom and experience is lovely, but it all comes from someone else's view of parenting. Only you and Nathan are the parents of your baby. You need each other and you need Him. That's it. Be confident in that and hold true to your instincts.
Lots of love.
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